Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

Show yourself some self-love.

No. Not in public.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

“No way.” -Jose

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend