Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Terribly Tuesday.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.