Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

me, after any kind of buffet.

This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen

*flashlight under chin*

Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.

*all the adults scream*

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.