Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

*House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?

Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?

Touché kid