I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
hackers play passwordle
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back