Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

Music – rock band

Jehovah’s Witness – knock band

Boats – dock band

Lip synched – mock band

Athletes – jock band

Safe cracker – lock band

Puppet – sock band

Clock maker – tock band

Chicken – b’gok band

Rooster – cock band

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

Remember to recycle your pizza boxes

It’s for the Greta good

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

“How’s your day going?”

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?