Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

work smarter, not harder

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.