I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
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I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
I hydrated. Surrender now.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.