“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.