Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*