Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”

“No.”

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread