Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

yeah 😭

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

To the Audi hogging the road:

Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.