Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster

tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it

look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.

Had a spot of bother earlier.

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.