I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
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Omg 🤣
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!