I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
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i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Uh oh 👀
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”