Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

🙂🐾

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔

So, I turned it into wine.

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.