Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

Netflix and awkward silence?

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

THE DOG😭😭💀

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

I just love that new Pope smell.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*