@bgdadyspnkbtm

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

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@dshack8

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

@carterhambley

“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed

@jazz_inmypants

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car 🙂

Guy from UP: my wife died.

Everyone:

Dory: I’m a talking fish!

@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

@KalvinMacleod

Dave’s coming over

“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”

[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING

@ginadivittorio

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

@C00LpenNAME

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@DurtMcHurtt

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.