I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …
Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.