Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.