Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.

Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping

Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts