Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

[getting pulled over]

me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?

cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive

me: oh I’m sorry

cop: I’ll let you off with a warning

me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*

cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE

I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

All food is good if you spell it wrong

anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”

Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Lmbo

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you