Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”

Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.