Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

I’m in your fridge late at night like this!

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary