Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Husband: Should we hit the gym today?

Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

Only 99 problems?

Pfft. Amateur.

You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them