Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had ONE job!

– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”