Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

dead inside

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.

Them: well which is it?

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.