I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?