Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

Remember to think of others this holiday season!

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

The human personality is made of five key elements

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

thinking about this

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.