I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.