I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like