Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

[spreading rumors]

me: R
O
R
U M
S

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

how much does a mortician urn in a year

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning

Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh