I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
You Might Also Like
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.