I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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the official breakfast of 2021
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down