I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You Might Also Like
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically