I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes