Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

The phrase “herding cats” was definitely invented by a teacher who works with 5th/6th graders.

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

This one, by a wide margin