I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You Might Also Like
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
😂😂
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.