Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention

Wife: no it’s your birthday

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

“Traaains”

– traveling zombies

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.