Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

The Others (2001)

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Yes 😂

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?