I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
lol
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there