Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

ATMs should have breathalyzers

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.