Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

Happy Taco Tuesday

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

sometimes i miss this memes

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?

I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program