I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Remember folks 😂
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.