Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve

me: that’s ketchup

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.