I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?