Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

fly smarter, not harder

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*

Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!

My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*

(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.