i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….