i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Roombas should bark
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.