i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
I feel attacked.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*