What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.