@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

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@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple.

*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*

@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@007Rex_Inc

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

@TheBoydP

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

@KeetPotato

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

@Shock_Monster

Her: I saw this Yoda pen & I thought of you.

Me: WHY? YOU THINK I’M 8 OR SOMETHING?

Her: No, sorry…

Me: Hey, hey, hey! Leave the pen.

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying “Not looking good today” after deleting the first 50 pictures she took

@KateWhineHall

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.