@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.

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@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

@pro_worrier_

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

@ShootyDoody

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

@IamEnidColeslaw

today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING

@treydayway

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

@bigmacher

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

@bmarked21

If stealing office supplies were an Olympic sport, they’d test me for steroids.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.