Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You Might Also Like
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!