I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Jus’ sayin. 😐
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
it was love at first sight
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.