Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

I can’t be the only one 😂

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

White parent Vs Arab parents

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson

me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What’s in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won’t eat a tomato.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs