@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

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@KevinFarzad

“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”

“Yes.”

“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.

@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

@WilliamAder

Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?

@thebeckyard

My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.

@dxblarssonENG

“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”

@_troyjohnson

Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.

@sickipediabot

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

@RodLacroix

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep