@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

@wendchymes

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

@Midlifecrisis18

Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)

* CRRRACK *

Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.

@C00LpenNAME

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@DaddyJew

Stranger: can I ask your opinion on something?

Me: you can but I wouldn’t recommend it

@SnarkyMommy78

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

@LoveYoorFate

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.