I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I’m ready for Halloween this year
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.