An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sex in your 40’s:
* CRRRACK *
Her: Was that me or you?
Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Stranger: can I ask your opinion on something?
Me: you can but I wouldn’t recommend it
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
shawn: [yawns] I’m tired
shaun: [yauns] me too
sean: [yeans] and me