I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

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“Is it long enough to reach most people’s beds?”


“Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter.”

-Apple, creating the iPhone charger.


I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.


Weather Girl: I’m looking at six to ten inches tonight.
Me, to the TV: But is it going to SNOW?


My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.


“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”


Ugly Duckling is my favorite story that teaches kids it’s okay to look weird for a while as long as u get ur act together and become hot.


Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.

Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.


The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep