I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.