I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A classic…
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Midwest trash talk
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
