I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
All generalizations are stupid.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
My patience has stretch marks.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
