I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
