I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
never forget
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.