Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

christening a ship with an overripe banana

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.