I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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How I’d get arrested…
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?