I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
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Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me