I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me