Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

I think my mom just blocked me

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

Somebody’s lying.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead