I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
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cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.