I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
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I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
His palm trees are Serengeti, destination wedding, luggage is heavy
There’s vomit on his tux already, Dollar store confetti
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa