I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
If looks could kill
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop