I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
So, can we agree on 4 or
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
#Caturday
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Do not levitate over flowers
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang