“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”