Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

I painted today

Everyone complimented me on my turtle

It was a bird, I painted a bird

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off