Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots

How dramatic are you?

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Cashiers are always checking me out

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.