I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.