“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
You Might Also Like
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it