Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seems legit.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

You deplete me

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.

I’m about to put on a white shirt.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

That was easy.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.