“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
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I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.