Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood

Me: Brad?

*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater