my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
You Might Also Like
Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this