I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

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my wife bought a soap dispenser that says “pump” on the side, which is good. without instructions, i was going to smash it against the floor to try to get the soap out


Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.


it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room


For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.


Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.


flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”


I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.


[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton


muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this