I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Traveler’s camo
Spoiler Alert: I was late
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked