I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes