Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

LAWYER: I would like to call my next witness, Sprinkles the cat.

JUDGE: would Sprinkles the cat please psspsspss

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!