I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
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“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
incredible book dedication
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.
-old irish blessing